Friday, June 8, 2012

Where's Waldo ain't got sh*t on me!

*Plunks Alka Seltzer tablets in a glass of water* Pop Pop Fizz Fizz ensues.

Ughh. What does a guy have to do to get a pair of dark sunglasses? Jeez. So yeah...where have I been? Well, it’s a long story starting with me going AWOL and ending with me coming back to the PORTEmaus offices and being immediately thrown in the brig by an infuriated Manny Funkowitz.

*Sips some Alka Seltzer* AHHHH...tastes like Satan’s Saliva.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't go down without a fight. There was the attempted escape. Manny’s Minions are non union and are thus susceptible to a good sleeper hold and a baby lullaby. I would of made it out it too if wasn’t for me tripping over a stack of LP’s waiting for review outside of Hawk’s office. (Seriously dude, I know of a book that could help you declutter and get that office clean!)

So here I am back in my office, after god knows how long down in the “Funky Dungeon”. Where I survived on a steady diet of Vodka and moldy left overs of Bence’s food cart reviews.

God it's f*cking bright in this place. Why don't we some soft energy efficient natural lights in here. The boss won't let us use Keurig cups because of waste but we can get these goddamn florescent light bulbs filled with.....light poison. *Sigh*

So I'm back and have been granted a probationary reinstatement under the conditions that I allow a Minion to keep an eye on me, that I post more often, and that I stop stealing other people's lunches out of the break room fridge. So I'm here sifting through emails and trying to catch up on headlines when I come across this:

*Drops cup of Alka Seltzer in shock...Manny Minion behind me lets out an extremely effeminate scream*

In the words of my good friend Farnum: “Shit just got real.”

Let’s face it. We knew this was coming. It was inevitable. Face eating lunatics who are seemingly impervious to gun fire. Tripping balls on Bath Salt.

Wait what? Bath Salt? Goddammit. It's bad enough I get carded for Sudafed now I'm gonna get carded when I buy my lavender sleepy time bath salts too??

*What's that? Bath Salt is a nickname? For a concoction which is the equivalent of meth and cocaine?*

Ah...American innovation. Forget making Back to the Future 2 Marty McFly shoes that look identical to the sneakers from the movie, but don't have power laces. Or hoverboards that don't hover...what we really need is to combine two dangerous drugs and snort copious amounts of it in order to become homeless face eating Zombies.

 I gotta say this definitely concerns me. Forget the fact that this could be beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse. Forget the fact that as a result a ton of people will perish. I'm concerned with surviving.....the summer with out A/C. Seriously. No one comes between Gonzi and his A/C. Or his wi-fi. Or his other gadgets. And that's what's at stake here, folks. All of the things that us "Innovative Americans" feel wholeheartedly entitled to but don't really deserve.

Maybe a Zombie Apocalypse is just what this country needs to help us get our priorities straight. Help us see what's important in life and stop being consumed with pettiness.

Imagine that. All our problems solved with a little 'Bath Salt' and a few million casualties.

If only it were that easy to get some #*$&I#$*U*@ NATURAL LIGHTING IN MY OFFICE!!!

Feels great to be back. lol

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