Thursday, January 23, 2014

Snowden Can Snowden These Nuts! (Whatever that means)

Look at him. Don't you want to just stuff him in a f*ckin locker?

I wouldn't consider myself a full fledged Conspiracy Theorist. Conspiracy Theorists will tell you not to believe everything you read. To me, this is counter intuitive considering they get most of the information from 'something they read somewhere'. 

No. I would say I'm more of a skeptic. Do I believe Oswald killed Kennedy? It's not likely. Do I believe the government was in on 9/11? Possibly. Do I think we landed on the moon? Eh...I'm skeptical. 

In any case, the past year or so has been a Conspiracy Theorist's wet dream. This is because Edward Snowden validated what CT's (as they will henceforth be known as) have been shouting about for years. The all seeing eye is watching, listening, and knows what you're up to. How anyone could not be aware of this is beyond me. I mean for Christ's Sake, has anyone ever watched a crime movie? Never mind one after 9/11 (i'll get into that in just a second), any crime movie from the 20th Century. You think those guys were talking on pay phones because they enjoyed the fresh air and beautiful sunshine? No! The Feds are listening!

Here's my question though. All of you mouth breathing morons who are worried that the NSA is listening to your idiotic conversation about you and your stupid friends.......Where were you when the Patriot Act was signed into law shortly following 9/11? Where were you when a completely unnecessary amount of our tax dollars was going into "Homeland Security". These are the same cunts that complain about the TSA. "Ugh...why do I have to take off my belt??". need that illusion of Safety. You need a gate for your apartment complex (as if that will do a fucking thing to deter a skilled and determined criminal from victimizing you). You're weak and you need to feel safe in an unsafe world. You want the results but aren't willing to accept what it takes to provide that fuzzy warm feeling inside you. 

Which brings me back to Snowden. Look, who doesn't love a whistleblower. Fuck the structure. But this is different. Snowden is a self absorbed little cunt who was probably picked on and was dying to be known for something. Dying for power and all the things that comes with it. The fact of the matter is, while attempting one of the biggest "LOOK AT ME NOW!" moves in American History, he fucked over the wrong people. People have been "taken care of" for less! 

What I haven't been able to figure out is why Seal Team 6 hasn't Osama'd this nerd yet. I guess the whole Russia and Putin thing threw a wrench in that whole plan. You can't just fly a stealth chopper into the former Soviet Union without some soldier in a Russian Bear Hat saying:

 "Perhaps is American Chopper?"

In any event, I can appreciate what a part of Snowden's brain was trying to do. What the government is doing is wrong. But, what do you expect when someone is told to take care of a small pest problem with a bazooka? He's gonna say..."why am I wasting my time using my boot?" 

Maybe shooting him in the face is too drastic. Okay.

How about this: I think a fitting punishment would be using all that NSA technology the government has at their disposal to just bully Snowden the fuck out of hiding. Share his convos where he's apologizing to his girlfriend for not being able to get an erection unless she acts like his grandma. Or interview kids that went to school with him and have them share how they gave him a sub atomic wedgie....(You know...where you pull the wedgie so high that it goes over their head and then give them a swirlie). Or better yet, publish all his selfies with his Pomeranian "Miss Fluffypants". 

Then when he's finally embarrassed out of hiding, stick him in a cell with two loser high school jocks for the rest of his life.  Don't forget the life time supply of tighty whiteys.

Fucking Nerds man. 

1 comment:

  1. I have to say it... Snowden simply was a self-server. He was like the six whistleblower on the NSA almost ten years after the first. You know how many of those gents ran away?