Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Take That Ball to the House! Pound it!

It is the twenty-fifth of December and that means the fat man cometh to bestow gifts onto those deserving. To all of those who are naughty, may the Krampus take mercy upon your eternal soul. I doubt that is the case though since you all are a high class people.

Anyway, to all of you out in the interweb, we here at PORTEmaus wish all of you a Merry Christmas. For our Jewish friends, I hope that a Happy Chanukah was had by all and that it was a glorious Festival of Lights. Not to leave our brothers who celebrate Kwanzaa out, may it be a joyous celebration as well.

It is another year gone and hopefully, the New Year will bring some up to date archives and possibly a redesign. At the very least, I will get cracking on my belated review of Skyfall and the best/ worst of lists. As always, I hope that the past year has went well and the next one is even better... Well, barring the country falling off the fiscal cliff.

Your humble servant,
Manny Funkowitz

Friday, December 21, 2012

The End is Nigh - Thankfully, the Mayan Absurdity ends today! Reason number: I

The world has ended! What was the main reason for it happening? The Mayans said it would happen or they were a little lax in their calendar duties.

(Brings finger to right ear)

I have breaking news! The sun has risen and the world continues to turn. Those of you who spent money on canned goods, guns/ ammo, gas and water certainly are looking sheepish right now. Sorry Funkowitz wee bairns, Christmas has been canceled since daddy bought into this whole mishegas about the sky falling and invisible space comets hell bent on annihilating mankind. Looks like we are eating canned beets well into the future. At least we have each other.

Seriously, I have said it for years that this whole Mayan prophecy was ridiculous. Glad to see nobody bought into it and no one spent any time covering it in the media. Damn.

Now, if you excuse me I have to get back to writing my review of Skyfall which I should have posted a month ago.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Hidden Comet Warning: Mayan Apocalypse Sign Number two: #hashtags

Much like Communism, hash tags are great in theory. One is a classless society where everyone is equal and the other is a form of metadata to classify/ organize subjects. In practice, both are overwhelming failures. With that being said, I apologize to Lenin, Marx and Fidel but also twelve year old girls everywhere for my stance on Communism and social networking tools. At least the former is thought out... What do hash tags going for them?

While a hash tag might not be a sign that the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012, it damn well should be. It is not used in the context of its origin and has become the societal equivalent of a cut at the top of one's mouth. Sorry, Doc Pemberton. I truly hope the real creator of Coca Cola is spinning in his grave now that a fictional twitter version has filch his identity, to hawk Cokes and hash tags. Nothing calls for either of those. Well, except for the rotting of teeth and minds.

All obvious vitriol aside... You know, I can't even come up with something decent to say about these things and much like Windows 8, I hope that intelligent life in the cosmos are not exposed to it. Sorry but your picture of waffles does not need to be organized for ease of use and the use of specific hash tags (like #iamamorontopostapictureofmywaffles) defeats their purpose. So, hopefully the Mayans were right because every hash tag used leads us to our eventual intellectual destruction.


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Race to doomsday - Mayan Edition: Part III - Revenge of the McRib

The world as we know it is set to end this Friday because an ancient civilization said so. With that being said, it is time to put on your best hobo garb, grown out that beard and spray yourself with animal urine... We are going to the street corner to yell incoherently. Now, where did I put that grammatical incorrect homemade sign?

One sign that has been overlooked by practically everyone, historians, naysayers and your run if the mill doomsday fanatics is the return of the McRib. Born from the minds of McDonalds' Reconstructed Meat Technologists to champion the cause of obesity, diabetes and clogged arteries in America, the McRib is an elusive piece of American fast food culture.

What better way to herald the doom of all of Earth's species than by it magically re-surfacing four days before the end of the world. It seems that the McRib has replaced death as one of the four horseman of the Apocalypse. I do hope that this conjures the imagery of a sandwich riding a flying horse (with a scythe) because it did for me but I digress. So, as you lay that first bite into your McRib, just know that this was one of the major signs that the Mayans prophesied regarding the fate of our world.

Addendum: It should be mentioned that McDonald's pushed its return from October/ November to December. Coincidence? I think not.

Monday, December 17, 2012

End of the World: Final Countdown - Number Four: The Possibility of Mitt Romney as President


Not sure if you know this but the world is going to end this Friday. Now, I have it on good authority from an ancient civilization that we are all doomed. During the time it takes you to put on a sandwich board, let me regal you with a tale about the next of five signs that signal our doom.
The number four entry in our series comes from the Presidential campaign of one, Willard Mitt Romney. Now, I realize that he lost and I do not intend to gloat but his campaign remains a scathing indictment of the American political process. You know that someone chugs when Newt Gingrich refers to you as a "bad candidate" and that "he would have preformed better..." If that is not the Pot calling the kettle, Newt.

Most are viewing Mitt through hindsight and frankly, that is downright moronic. He made some ridiculously stupid statements and adopted positions that no sane person (let alone a presidential candidate) should make. Nobody made comments about how the GOP needed to change when the polls were "close" (Do not get me started on that). Catchers Mitt embodied what was wrong with American Conservative politics and now, he is the scapegoat for his loss. I guess that is what happens when you over correct.

P.S. Newt... There were a lot of things that were with the GOP's presidential primaries/campaign and Catchers Mitt was not solely the source of them.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Armageddon watch: Signals of the end times. Part Five.

As one might know, the world is going to end on Friday. After all, if an ancient civilization (even one where the multitude of believers cannot locate the country of origin) or that incredible documentary starring John Cusack says that it is going to happen, then we best pack it in. Yep, game over. It was not a missing zero that did us in, it was the prophecy of Mayans.

Now, we here at PORTEmaus take such things seriously, we broke Harold Camping and once time travel is created, yours truly plans on socking Nostradamus in the kisser. Why do we believe in such eventualities? I am glad that you asked, we are going to the five revelations that have cemented our fate. The first of which was the creation of Windows 8.

Do not get wrong, I (as an Apple user) had high hopes for the once dominant software juggernaut and the latest version of their operating system. It looked like (kinda) snazzy and frankly, looked like a movement away from the same old tired Microsoft product. Sadly, I was wrong after demoing it at work, one fateful day in October. It is a colossal mess, all of the snazzy aesthetics would feel right at home on a tablet, cellular phone or the xBox but do not fit the average user's desktop.

In fact, that was Microsoft's replacement for the start menu... Good job, Ballmer. Plus, you marketed the OS with advertising that is reminiscent of an old man trying desperately to be cool. You guys are trying too hard. What next, are you going to offer candy to the neighborhood children? Hopefully, the Mayan's are right and the world ceases to exist, so no record of this blunder is accessible by alien life forms.