Monday, May 9, 2011

Army of Number 2 (No..not that number 2)

The stuff legends are made of. A phrase I think is tossed around too loosely. What defines a “Legend” though? Courage? Honor? Strength? Amazing God Given Skill?

Probably all of the above. However, like with a lot of adjectives, the definition is something that can be defined in the eye of the beholder. One modern and common usage for the word legend is throughout professional sports. “He has the stuff legends are made of”. For me, the City of New York, and any woman who’s a sucker for a mixed race dude with light eyes, no one has defined ‘Legend’ more perfectly than Derek Jeter.

Here’s some stats for you:

“Jeter debuted in the Major Leagues in 1995, and the following year he won the Rookie of the Year Award and helped the Yankees win the 1996 World Series. Jeter was also a member of championship-winning teams in 1998, 1999, 2000, and 2009. In 2000, Jeter became the only player in history to win both the All-Star Game MVP Award and the World Series MVP Award in the same year. He has been selected as an All-Star eleven times, won the Silver Slugger award four times, and he has won the Gold Glove award on five occasions. He is regarded as a consummate professional, by teammates and opponents alike, and has a reputation as a reliable contributor in the postseason. Jeter is considered to be one of the best players of his generation. He is the all-time hits leader among shortstops and his .317 career batting average through the 2009 season ranks as the fifth-highest among active players. He has been among the American League (AL) leaders in hits and runs scored for the past ten years. He is the all-time Yankees hit leader, having passed Hall of Fame member Lou Gehrig in 2009.”

Yeah. Straight Bananas. He’s an elite athlete. Yet, because of the exposure of playing for the Yankees any slump is publicly and overly analyzed. Since beginning this 2011 season, there was much speculation as to whether he had “lost it”. What does he do yesterday? 4 hits in a game? 2 of which are homers.

Never question the Jeter. He propelled the Yankees to a champion level so high that therapy in the Boston Metropolitan Area has risen exponentially since 1996; thereby single handedly forcing a staggering 80% of Bostonites into seeking some sort of mental health treatment. (PURE FACTUAL STATEMENT!).

All that aside though, while achieving physical feats mere men can only dream of Jeter was romantically linked to so much upper echelon poon it would make Scott Baio’s genital region literally turn green from envy. Check these stats:

“Jeter's personal life has been a frequent topic in gossip columns and celebrity magazines since his rookie year in 1996. He had a well-publicized relationship with pop diva Mariah Carey from 1997 to 1998.

Jeter also dated former Miss Universe Lara Dutta,

singer Joy Enriquez

and actress Jordana Brewster.

Jeter also had an on-and-off relationship with television personality Vanessa Minillo from late 2003 until early 2006.

From November 2006 to January 2007, Jeter was romantically involved with actress Jessica Biel.

In 2008 he was linked to Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly.”

And that was just what made the news! This guy’s p*ssy game has been EPIC!

So excuse me if I have no worry anytime he is in a slump. Baseball or otherwise. If I have any concern, it’s that he has not reproduced yet. Which is why he should be cloned. A shit load of times. Whenever one Jeter dies, there is a warehouse full of Jeter’s waiting to be America’s new superhero.

In fact....he should fight the Dos Equis dude and end the match with a neck snapping rear naked choke and thereby obtain the new role of “The World’s Most Interesting Man”.

Word. Oh and this picture’s for you, Manny:

Jeter be with you all.


  1. Well, I have to say Jeter is my hero... If you know what I mean (Please, do not tell my wife I said that). Also, thanks for the picture... Pink ponies rock!

  2. I don't know man the pony is only a little which case I won't read this article....again

  3. LOL...I agree...I should of incorporated the pink ponies more creatively...What about Pink Unicorns?

  4. Man, Jeter makes me wish I had tried to fulfill my baseball ambitions...

    BTW, I love you Miranda lol

    Seriously though, because he's on the Yankees (a team who actually likes putting money into their product to create a winning one, yeah I know, terrible right?) Jeter has always been undervalued by general public. I remember in '06 having a conversation with Manny who told me he had heard some reporters saying Jeter was done. Of course the irony is '09 was probably his best season ever...

  5. also, this makes me think there should be a new column called 'sportmaus,' which will ultimately be compiled mostly of Manny reviewing WWE events, of course.

  6. SPORTEmaus... I love it. You know it will not be me reviewing the events themselves but rather list upon list of alternative wrassling matches.

    Also, one of the sites that I look up my valuable sportin' (football) on has a writer who writes about wrestling on... It is madness, I say

  7. sounds like that writer adds just a touch of legitimacy to that site...if anything SPORTEmaus could be used to review N64 No Mercy match-ups...


  8. "We hate playing with Nick because he walks on water when he plays"

  9. You forgot to include Cameron Diaz...

  10. You are pretty messianic when it comes to the 64, Gonzi.

  11. yeah, that's A-Rod with Diaz, Jeter wouldn't stoop that low at this point in her "career."

    I don't know, those last couple of Goldeneye games were all Hawk...who am I kidding, then we switched to No Mercy and Gonzi wins a 30 man royal rumble...with the same wrestler he started with. the stuff legends are made of, or at least the stuff that makes little kids cry.

  12. LOL! I have to admit..I was slightly less merciless on you guys then I was on that kid. I smelt the blood in the water and got the sudden hunger for preschooler that day.