Friday, May 20, 2011

Superman Dat Douche! (YUUUUH)!

This morning on my way into the PORTEmaus secret lair I saw a grown man in a dress shirt, slacks, dress shoes, and an Superman mini backpack. I immediately had the sudden urge to bully a complete stranger. Any grown man who likes Superman is a douche. Any grown man who likes Superman enough to walk around with Superman paraphernalia is straight vinegar, son! AND Any grown man who likes Superman enough to walk around with Superman paraphernalia on the way to work is probably mentally unstable.

So after my wishful Biff Tannen Blackout moment I tried to think what is it about Superman that is so douchey. When you think about playing super heroes as a kid, everyone had super powers that they called out. Flight, Strength, you'd get started and you'd take someone out: "I shot you with my laser eyes" "Aw you got me".

But every time.....there'd be that one douchebag kid....who couldn't tolerate dying....and would continiously add powers to themselves to stay in the game:

"What's your power?"

"I can fly"

"I can fly too, I'll catch you"

"Na uh...I can fly faster than a speeding bullet"

"Ok....I shot you out of the sky with my fireballs"

"Na uh...I am impervious to fireballs, bullets, missiles, and anything else"

"Ok....I can bend earth...i just buried you under 20 tons of rock"

"Na uh...I have super strength"

"Ok...I'll just freeze you with my ice powers"

"Na uh...I can shoot heat lasers out of my eyes to melt your ice"

"Ok..well I'm like the human torch.."

"So...I can freeze you with my ice breath"

"Why do we still invite this kid to play with us?

That's Superman. The douchebag kid that gave himself every power he could think of. The folks at DC probably had to come up with Kryptonite just to be able to create some sort of drama in the story telling. So if your a grown man who still worships Superman or tries to compare yourself to Superman (ie: put Superman stickers on your truck, get a Superman tattoo - i'm looking at you Shaq) you're a simpleton. And so is everyone in Metropolis apparently. An office full of journalists who can't figure out that the only difference between Clark Kent and Superman are cheesy glasses! Holy Hookah Smoke, Batman!

And by the way, Superman who is considered to be as American as Apple Pie is an illegal alien. LITERALLY. Where is this guy's birth certificate? Sure he's saved Metropolis numerous times. It doesn't matter how good a job you do, he's here working Illegally! Where's a comically fat/racist/fascist sheriff when you need him? Let's raid the Daily Planet and see what other kind of illicit activity is being harbored there.

The point in all of this is that part of what makes a hero appealing is the vulnerability that they may have to balance out there superness. If you hog all of the power and have none of the weakness there is actually another adjective for that. It's called a Villain. And further more, if you idolize someone who is power hungry and denies their weaknesses...It doesn't make you youthfully cool.

It makes you a perfect spokesperson for Massengill. VINEGAR SON!


  1. Seriously, I love DC but Supes is straight up douche.

    Listen, Jesus wasn't meant to be a superhero, so why throw on a cape and tights on him and pretend he is? Sadly, who likes Superman? Millions, no BILLIONS!

  2. oh, and I hated those kids too, especially when they just couldn't comprehend and accept I had far more super powers than they did and could even create them out of thin air with my super deluxe brain power and there was just no way they could defeat me, it's like give it up dudes...wait, what are we talking about again?

  3. LOL! I think the only series of Superman I've read and enjoyed was when he died...but ended up not dying thus further trying to make him like Jesus.

  4. I have run into arguments with people about Superman... Usually, I begin with... I liked Superman when he was simply called God. That is basically the character that Siegel and Shuster created. It also serves as a visual metaphor for American hubris.

    Honestly, I have read two mini-series (All-Star Superman and Superman: Red Son) where I thought "I cannot believe I liked something with Superman in it." In the end, he is a character that you cannot write anything for... Because he can OVERCOME anything, where is the fun in reading that? Couple it with the fact he has some of the lamest rogues in comics and you have no reason to read his series (of which there are 12 thousand).

    I could go on but the guy is a straight up DICK. Check out the proof is on the covers.

  5. And despite the fact that he's Jesus...his biggest threat is a bald mortal with a complex.

    BTW...i was googling superman pictures and I saw some pictures of Nicolas Cage in a Superman uniform...did he play superman??

  6. Nicolas Cage is a huge comic book buff, and back in the 90's he signed a $20 million pay or play deal, basically it means he gets the 20 mil whether the film gets made or not, it's these type of moves that made Superman Returns a film that just COULDN'T be financially successful no matter what, because pre-production took so many years and cost so much...anyhow the script was done by Kevin Smith, who got pissed and left when Warner wanted him to cut a scene between Supes and Louis by I think Niagra Falls or something, he said it was his best dialogue ever. Anyhow, the film obviously never got made. I think Tim Burton was signed to direct at one point, can't remember.

  7. Nic Cage named his son Kal-El...

  8. Also, for a man who was paid millions of dollars for a film not being made... He is in dire financial straits. I think someone was skimming of the top.

  9. wonder he's "Driving Angry"