Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Gonzi's Lost Scrolls: Top 10 Reasons to LOATHE Summer

I was traveling through the Sahara on my way to the Sea of Gallalee when I discovered an ancient scroll from the teachings of Gonzi. This scroll dates back to 2009. Enjoy

With summer upon us, I figured that I would dictate to you all reasons why I loaaathe the summer. My hope is that all of you will see the light and join in my "Boycott Sucky Summers" campaign. So..with out further adieu...

Number 10: The NBA finals. If you are a New York Knick fan or a fan of any eastern conference team, you could give less than a f*ck about the NBA Finals. Yet, we are forced to act excited that the same teams are playing and winning. To hell wit that.

Number 9: School's Out. This means that at your local mall, Starbucks, Movie Theater, or pretty much any other public place, you're bound to run into kids. Teenagers with no manners. Giggly Pre Teens. And all other youngsters turning your favorite locations into their own personal theme park. Back to school can't come fast enough.

Number 8: Reruns. Television completely sucks in the summer. And these networks feed people the most ridiculous reality shows that they can come up with. Seriously "I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of here!"? The major networks attempts at plagiarizing shows from Europe and Asia have got to stop. Might as well call it "The super happy fun hour with Erik Estrada".

Number 7: Summer clothes. I've never been a fan of shorts. And sandals....HOLY SHIT...sandals. Sandals should be worn in one place only. The Caribbean. If you're going to eat at Burger King in an urban environment, put some f*cking shoes on would you please?? Didn't you see the the sign on the door? No SHOES, No Shirt, No SERVICE. Those aren't shoes. Those are a quarter of a shoe and an unnecessary display of your horrendous feet.

Number 6: 15+ Hours of Daylight. Seriously...How much daylight do you need? You already are getting way too much sun because you looove summer time. Your skin hates you and that's why it's giving you crows feet. Get in the house!

Number 5: All the sucky holidays are in the summer. The holidays that no one really cares about and if you don't believe me...how many songs of "I'll be home for the 4th of July" or "I'm dreaming of a Hot..Memorial Day" have you heard? Go ahead...think about it....I'll wait.

Number 4: Water related activities. They're really overrated. I got a shower and a tub...what the f*ck do I need to be in a pool for.

Number 3: Natural Disasters. If you were waiting for a practical reason to loathe the summer time, you can't get more practical than Natural Disasters. When the temperature goes up, mother nature seems to go ape sh*t, via Hurricanes, Wildfires, Tornadoes, etc. Losing power, filling insurance claims, and waiting 3 hours in line to get a tank of gas.....now that's what I call a great summer vacation!!

Number 2: Everything costs MORE! Gas, Electric Bills, Water...you name it. It all costs more in the summer time. It's unbelievable. The sad thing is we have no choice but to pay. But hey, at least you don't have to spend all that extra money buying your co-workers useless gifts for the 4th of July.

And finally...Number 1: I think it's obvious to you all what I am going to say. If not, here it is. THE HEAT. What in the name of Santa's Sweaty Sack is up with this heat? It's unbelievable. And further more, it's un called for. There's no reason why this kind of heat should be acceptable. We have spaceships....we have ICE Makers....FIX IT!!!!!!!!

That said, I encourage all of you to stay inside and go out at night in defiant objection to the WORST. SEASON. EVER.

Thank you and Goodnight.


  1. ....a bit angrier than normal...don't like summer huh? I'm gonna say that first reason you put there is probably localized a bit to your current location...over here its mostly the humidity that gets annoying

  2. I'd rather have AZ summers than a place with humidity, that's for sure.

    But, I'd like to take a moment to show why summer is actual good:

    Sports: Yes, the NBA finals aren't something to look forward to, but those sweet months of baseball? Yes, please!

    Clothes: I hate wearing shorts and sandals as much as the next heterosexual male, but here's some food for thought: short shorts, mini-skirts and tank-tops (on women obviously). I'd say it more than evens out.

    Water related activities: I'm with you on this for the most part...however, water parks can be fun and here's more food for thought: bikinis and sun tan lotion.

    However for schools out, I got nothing. Those douchey dudes and prosti-tots almost takes the fun out of going to the summer movies which are usually only entertainment schlock anyhow.

  3. lol You're a scrooge for the summer! Move out of Arizona then! lol My responses to all of the above:

    10.) Playoffs have been epic this year....Lakers=Out=Fuck Yeah!

    9 through 5.) WORD!

    4.)Yeah it sucks seeing all the hot bodies at Wet n' Wild while I play with Ros in the wave pool.

    Pretty Much! lol

  4. well hopefully prosti-tots will find its way into our national lexicon...your ability as a wordslinger is rivaled only by marshall mathers himself...

  5. LOL...yeah...I was an angry old young man even two years ago...Even when I was a kid I still prefered winter break to summer break. And my birthday fell in the summer time too...

    One thing I left off was Summer School....god...what could be any worse

  6. summer school...yeah that alone pushes heavy in the favor of "summer sucks."