Saturday, May 7, 2011

Chili Con Andy Rooney/Jeep Cherodouchebag

In every crew/group/click/gang/posse/ or in our case Highly Qualified Journalists, every person has a role. For us, we've got Manny who is the founder and kind of facilitates everything we report on. Bence is the number two and the resident expert on everything nerd. Hawk is our resident music elitist and can remind you how much your missing out on good music. So where does that leave me? The Gonz. After some thought of trying to classify myself I couldn't help but think...I am the PORTEmaus equivalent of this man:

I'm the Andy Rooney of this here PORTEmaus sh*t. The resident old dude (only older by a couple months to some of you...but who comically complains about a cornucopia of randomness. So that said...I accept this role with mixed feelings for a couple for reasons:

A. Nobody likes a pain in the ass.
B. Age generally equals knowledge.

But the bottom line is as long as people want to read my stuff I will continue to provide commentary on all things considered.

Now that I got that stuff out of the way I do actually have something to write about. The best way to get into it is using the following quote:

"..just because it can be done doesn't mean it's TO be done. Yeah, you can probably drive a car with your feet but that don't make it a good f*cking idea!" -Chris Rock

Recently I've noticed an increase of new 2011 Jeeps on the road. (Verified by looking at the temporary plates). Now for those of you not familar...the new 2011 jeep cheeroke has a 3.8 V6 which provides a thirsty 15MPG City/19 MPG Highway. As I write this, the average gallon of gas is about 3.75 a gallon for regular. From what I can gather the fuel tank is either 20 or 23 gallon. So basic math tells you that even with a 20 gallon tank it's going to cost you 75 bucks to fill up. I could go on and on and on.

Now from what I hear on behalf of these Jeep drivers is that they want to be able to drive these things off road a few times a month. The problem is they can't afford a recreational vehicle and regular commuter transportation. So somehow, they convince their spouse that this will be a fun activity they can do on weekends and they buy a brand new Jeep without taking in to account the cost of fuel and the environmental impact these vehicles cause.

Now...You CAN'T tell Jeepers that they have no right to own these vehicles to their faces. If you do, you will be reminded of what country this is and that God put Jeeps and Trails and a Constitution on this Earth so that they can have something to do on weekends and no one can tell them to knock the shit off.

My point in all of this is this; Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. I was reading that the U.S demand for gasoline went down 2% over the last month and what is the result? Oil is down below 100 dollars a barrel. Supply and Demand. The less we demand the cheaper Gas will be. And you greedy douchebags who only care about yourselves are screwing the rest of us.

But, I do take comfort in the fact that Jeeps have one of the lowest reliability scores of all vehicles made. So while I'm filing up my diesel wagon once a month, and you're taking your Jeep to shop in between filling up twice a week......

I will have to resist the urge to get an Andy Rooney Cialis induced MPG boner.


  1. You sound as old as the man in the picture, but I still love you :)

  2. You can write about whatever you want, I'd read it. That include stepping on the toes of everyone else and writing about music, film, nerd stuff, I don't care. I'd read it.

    Also, Jeep sucks, whenever I see those stickers or license plates that say things like "It's a Jeep Thing, You wouldn't Understand." My first thought is: What a pretentious douchebag. My second thought? Yeah, I really DON'T understand, because Jeep sucks lol

  3. LOL Yeah I wonder how close a Jeep Thing is to a Jersey Thing.

  4. I am going to buy you a bumper sticker that says "im the andy rooney of this here PORTEmaus sh*t"

  5. if this was facebook, I'd totally "like" Bence's comment

  6. YES! That will go on the Diesel Wagon without hesitation...LOL

  7. I need first agree with what Hawk was saying... You could write about pretty pink ponies and I would read it.

    Maybe we should get our resident graphic designer to work on it... Although then she might want compensation for her labors.

  8. Na..But seriously I know that we aren't constrained by any 'category'...I just had an epiphany that I thought would be comical to share.

  9. LOL...I do really wish you could 'like' comments on here

  10. i dont know if i would read your article on ponies...unless it's ironic then i'd be down...otherwise table that idea for the moment