Friday, May 13, 2011

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: The Guillotine

One of the reasons why I think we have become such a hit here at PORTEmaus is because we aren't afraid to show our souls to our readers. Not afraid to expose our various neurosis, nerdy pleasures, and unsettling true characteristics. I was struggling with what my next topic would be so I figured I'd open up and talk more about myself. When all else fails right? Make a movie of your life story and then when you can be good at acting as yourself, prematurely label yourself a good actor. Though it is clear that my writing is exceptional, that's the extent of my superior communication skills. So I often fantasize about having a job which requires charisma and verbal tomfoolery.

That said, I think my dream job would be to fire people for a living. But not as an in house HR rep. No I'm talking about contract work. I get hired by companies with a crap load of useless employees to do what they are too scared or don't have time to do. But I'd take it a step further by thinking of creative ways to tell employees that they're done.

I'd be known only as "The Guillotine". Here's some ideas I came up with:

-Have the guy come into an office that's empty...he'll take a seat....all of a sudden the lights will cut out...then come back on only to find me dressed in a black ninja outfit standing behind them with a Katana as I say in my grunty Batman voice "Consider this your SEVERANCE package" *SHINK*

-Have the guy come into the empty office...where hidden in the ceiling will be me and 5 homeless guys who on command will unleash an avalanche of soda cans on the guy's head...once the final can settles I shout: "Consider yourself CANNED!"

-Have the guy come in to the office....I'll be facing away...once he comes in....I'll slowly spin around only to reveal my Donald Trump toupee....give him a minute to absorb the hair without saying anything...then finally say: "Don't make we quote that ape haired douche"

The possibilities are endless. I'd become an urban legend with causalities rivaling that of Lebron jerseys burned in Cleveland. A necessary evil in a world of people who lack work ethic, motivation, and/or have been rendered useless by their corporate masters. I'd operate with honor and a code. An assassin's code. Guiding me through the office battlefield and rendering tears, intimidation, and begging all useless ploys by my targets.

I'd be feared, idolized, and revered. I'd be the stuff legends are made of!

All of which would be contingent on the prerequisite that I could come up with better punchlines than "Consider yourself CANNED!"



  1. serious? that was my favorite one...especially cause i picture one of the homeless guys feverishly picking up the cans as they fall and stuffing them in to a plastic bag to recycle them

  2. LOL...I guess it's one of those lines that's so corny that it's awesome.