Friday, May 20, 2011

Nerdlert #4 Necessities for survival in our soon to be sad sad post-apocalyptic rapture filled nightmare

Everyone knows the sh*t is about to hit the fan in a few hours time. Here at PORTEmaus we are a plucky bunch and know that apocalypse or no apocalypse preparation and planning are always key to survival. So get your pen and paper ready here is everything you need to ensure your safety AND sanity with the looming end of days. In no particular order of course

1. Solar panels
Look lets say the worst happens....the sun will still rise....all those environmentalists will get their way. Solar power is sure to be the number one energy source in the wake of an apocalypse. Sure generators and power plants will probably work for a short while buy come on people these are not renewable resources. Better to stay reliable and grab a couple of these babies.

2. Complex single player video games.
Thank God? for those solar panels otherwise how else would you be able to power up that old ps3. I say single player folks because knowing how much trouble the PSN has been having these past couple of weeks I doubt it would have the tenacity of a cockroach and survive armageddon. Some of my suggestions....portal 2, red dead redemption, marvel vs. Capcom 3, Mass Effect 2...any game that has a ton of replay value or that each time you play you can change the outcome.

3. Weapons
Whatever kind of apocalypse happens either zombies or wastelanders are going to come after your wares. My personal choice of weapon is a shotgun. Eliminates the need for great accuracy so us norms can easily hop right in....although quite ineffective at long range I doubt most of you out there could handle a sniper rifle anyway. Also it would be smart to have a great melee tool such as a knife...or for Mr Gonzi a machete.

4. Lost The Complete Series Blu Ray.
We are going to have all the time in the world and damnit we are going to solve every frakking mystery in that show. Yah THIS IS HAPPENING.

5. Water purifier
We need fresh water plain and simple...this handy little gadget here can purify water a glass at a time...perfect for personal use. These bad boys used to go for upwards of 500 you could probably find one for just north of a hundy.

6. How To Hunt and How to Farm books
Look we need food hopefully the animals will still be around so we can respect them letting them sustain us. If not will were back to an agriculturally driven society, I don't know about you but its been YEARS since I tilled my wheat fields. That's where these books come in.

7. Shelter
Nuff said

8. Final Crisis
Morrisons tale of evil taking over the DCU and the collapsing of reality is quite dense. I imagine much like lost in the years after the event we will have plenty of time to fully grasp the genius found within.

9. Flip HD
We must document this...and subsequently edit it into a relatively coherent narrative, sell it to Fox(please survive) and we can make a mint in "Nu America"

10. A jeep or a an old WW 2 motorcycle.
Its really the only way to travel in a post-apocalyptic wastelande and it doubles as a perfect jousting vehicle when challenged by rival clans.

That's about it, unless you want some tunes to rock out to while you fight for survival until your dying breath. In that case check out Hawk's latest article for the perfect soundtrack to the rest of your life. We don't have much time left so I don't want to overload you with to much to procure in the next few hours. Fire is obviously important but we've all seen Castaway I'm sure you can figure it out. Antibiotics are a plus but if we become pimped out agricultural geniuses then we can create our own holistic remedies. Stay safe and remember you might think day travel is the safest but why? Ain't no one got your back in the great thereafter.


One last thought - I apologize to Mad Max and Max Brooks. Btw Max Brooks has a similar book you should check out...problem is if there's no zombies you've put all your eggs in one basket....the wrong one.

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